Thursday, March 18, 2010

Weight is nothing but a number... or is it

...........253.

There. I said it. Fast like pulling of a bandaid or something.

When I told my therapist how much I weighed I started crying. (Though at the time the number was 255.) I think it was the first time I had said it outloud. I felt silly crying in therapy over saying my weight out loud. I pay her not to be judgemental, right? Or actually maybe I pay her to be judgemental-- to tell me the real deal.

I've been contemplating this post for a while, but holding back on it because it feels scary. And then I read this interview from Donna Brazile. In the interview she is asked, "What's the hardest truth to tell?" and she answers, "One's current weight."

Hmmm... I had to ask myself why is that so scary? And the only answer I could come up with is because there is a whole lot of shame attached to it. I feel shame that I weigh so much and allow myself to be held back from things I care about. I feel shame that I let myself think that I don't look like I weigh that much, and convince myself that I can't lose weight. I feel shame because I know that diabetes and high blood pressure runs in my family and the only thing my family wants for me is to be healthy and happy and I still can't seem to lose the weight.
Shame is heavy.........

So... in honor of this being my little truth tube and in honor of working to remove shame, I am telling the truth about my current weight. And really I think the shame weighs so much more than the weight I want to lose.

I am proud of myself because I have started this journey (and feel super proud that since I started this journey, my number is now 251!) Yay for small victories.

3 comments:

  1. Sigh, the number. Or should I say numbers, plural? Cause it seems like I have three: the number of my actual weight, the number of my fantasy weight (the one I have to really work for, then i never stay there cause it's too thin), and then the magic number where my body likes to gravitate towards (i'm above that one now, too much pizza, cake, etc).

    Kudos to you for being brave enough to post yours. I just wanted to chime in and say we all have our numbers, which take on a larger-than-life kind of meaning. I don't have any kind of answer, cause they haunt me too. But I applaud your decision to start letting go of the shame. It's hard to dance with shame on your shoulders!

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  2. You should be so proud because it is scary and you did it anyway! You didn't let being scared stop you and you haven't let it stop you in all the other things you have been doing. Take a minute to reflect- this blog, ballet, preparing meals, setting goals, lifting weights, pushups... this list could go on and on. This takes real courage and strength. Let that sink in and don't dismiss it. You are taking action for yourself, YOU are doing it. Be confidence in that and let all these small steps but important steps build you up because that is where true self-esteem comes from.

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  3. LB and Autumn! Thanks so much Totally moved and inspired by your comments! I'm gonna keep up this truth thing =)

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