I had a meeting for the QWOCMAP festival team. (My film was made as a part of the QWOCMAP class and will be featured in the festival this summer!) And as excited as I was to see my fellow filmmakers, I was not looking forward to having to be alert and articulate after the way this cold got me down. I hopped on the bus (so grateful that I caught the bus I was afraid I'd miss) and then 10 minutes later I was at my stop.
I was late and so I was rushing down the block and already starting to sweat. And then suddenly I thought, "slow down". It caught me by surprise because previous to that moment I had been thinking "rush, rush, hurry up, get there, hurry." And it was so lovely to have the exact opposite thought, "slow down". Here it is my first "outing", I'm not feeling particularly healthy yet, and the last thing I needed to do was stress myself out and rush about.
The "slow down" that I heard started spreading to other areas of my life and most specifically and directly to this weight loss/bgettinghot journey. I have been feeling panicky about feeling and being so heavy as some major events approach: my jobs 20th anniversary event, the QWOCMAP film festival and parties, SF pride, etc, etc, etc, and I've been sick this week and haven't felt up to exercising and I've been so exhausted....
And somehow the "slow down" morphed and became this aha moment that was "I don't have to be skinny to enjoy these events. I don't have to be skinny to feel loved at these events. I don't have to be skinny to be allowed at these events." Even right now as I'm writing it I got a little chill, because as common sense as it might seem it feels like a new and almost forbidden thought.
This powerful unlinking of my presence at these events and whether I've lost weight or not. I know I want to feel healthier and this unlinking is not the same as me giving up or as me stepping away from my goal. Instead it's a gentleness. A literal weight lifted. "Slow down". Really be in this journey, getting stronger and challenging myself and paying attention to my choices and most of all trusting that I can and will lose weight and get stronger as I learn to make better choices and as I feel safer and stronger.
I feel a little hotter already.