Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Owning it

So grateful for some mega important conversations these last couple of days.
I shared how discouraged I was during Sunday's workout-- well it started happening again last night, but today I stopped the funk in it's tracks (with a little help from my friends)!

Last night, I met up with folks for the Monday night training, which was marked as "Run 4 miles". I am not up to that distance yet so I wasn't surprised when I couldn't keep pace with folks. Overall, I still had a really great and mega-challenging workout. I ran for almost the whole 2 miles out. At the turn around I stopped and stretched and then run/walked the 2 miles back. I was SO sore.

When I got home I drank water and since I had just bought a long foam roller that my Physical Therapist recommended, I tried to use that too. I also did a long stretch session (while watching the Bachelor I might add).

So here's where the funk stopping comes in. I went to my Physical Therapy session today (this is for a really awful shoulder injury I'm still healing from) and we talked a bit about the training session. He offered some really solid advice about fueling my body, drinking water, and also remembering to be gentle with myself. I got all weepy talking with him about the journey thus far and to top it off (because of a change in schedule), I went straight from PT to my weekly therapy appointment. Talk about process-a-thon. But it was great and so needed because I got to take the conversation I was having with my PT about physical training, and really take a peek at what is coming up for me emotionally too. And besides it is all connected anyway.

This training has been bringing up a LOT of stuff for me. I expected to be sore, I expected to be tired... but I NEVER expected it to bring up so much emotion.

The image I have of myself as an out of shape, big girl who can't run at all, ("who does she think she is saying she can do this"), is being put to the test because I AM running!

I'm contending with clothes that still feel too tight, but legs that feel stronger. Deep breaths that still feel forced mid-run, but just a tiny bit deeper. Any image I have of myself as unable or incompetent or failing is bubbling up to the surface and with each training those images now have to contend with another, newer and hotter image of strength, courage, and consistency!

What?!?!

Sound like a whole lot? Well, yup, it is. And that has been part of what is so damn overwhelming about this journey. That negative self-talk and those negative images have a whole lot more practice running through my head. They are louder and they are telling me that they are here to stay. But these new visions of myself are gaining speed and I like it!

Another HUGE reframing was around the training program itself. The schedule may say I am supposed to "run 4 miles" but I am not failing if I can't run for the whole time, or even if I turn around at 3.

I have "post-therapy" homework to set a goal for myself at each training that meshes with where I am at, not where some training schedule says I should be at. So some days the goal might be as simple as "Show up!" Just get yourself to the training even though you want to stay put and have a glass of wine. And other days it might be, I'm going to run for at least one of these 4 miles, and then run/ walk the rest. I'll share these goals with you all as they come up.

With all of that being said... I want to share a few things I am grateful for about yesterdays workout....
It was still a little light out, so for the first mile I could see the
ocean.

I listened to music on the way out (for the first couple of miles) and my
running mega mix has some definite keepers on there.

My house was warm and comfortable and my roomies were home. I wanted to
stay home and sit on the couch with them, but I didn't, I went running.

Running back, it was dark but I could see the stars so clearly and hear the
waves crashing every so often (when a car wasn't whizzing by).

Yesterday, the last day of February, I went back through the month of
workouts (and first month in this training program) and I worked out 3 times a
week for the whole month. That is a new personal record for me to work out that consistently for a whole month. I am proud of that.


P.S. Tomorrow is my "Blogiversary" Bgettinghot! One year of sharing the adventures of losing weight and gaining self. So excited! And lots to share with you about this occasion!

2 comments:

  1. I am glad you have a good support system aroung you. You sound encouraged!

    Happy 1st year! Can't wait to see what is in store for tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Autumn! And you are definitely someone I count as a part of that support system! I'm grateful for you friend!

    ReplyDelete

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